How Do I Work with Addictions?

I am currently working through the addiction for validation. At first, I didn’t see any problem with it. Validation feels like positive acknowledgment that I am doing the right thing. It is confirmation that I have been of service. In the times of social media, validation seem important especially for businesses. This is how I build my brand. I also judge others who seek validation (always a sign that I have the same emotion, but my reaction to this desire make me pretend I don’t have it). This is the denial phase.

Eventually I noticed that my constant seeking of validation was interfering with my true passions. As I kept working on other addictions (power, superior, special, importance, control, dominate), this addiction became annoying. Now I am intellectually accepting that I have an addiction and it need to be addressed.

I pray to God (or you can ask your intuition), please make me aware every time I seek validation. I am wanting to be emotionally aware of this addiction.

I started to wonder, how is this addiction affecting others? How can this possible be harming anyone? Having worked through other addictions, I become fearful that it is probably doing damage just like the other addictions. I remind myself that becoming aware of it emotionally is half the battle.

I procrastinate because I am fearful to see the damage. I feel I can’t cope with the truth of seeing the damage done by the addiction. I go into self punishment, because I was taught as a child that if I punish myself, I will stop engaging the act. I have spent years being stuck in this stage. I have even gotten sick from self abuse (projecting emotion at myself or others causes damage). Self punishment does not create change.

I remind myself that the work is to own the emotion of the addiction. My guides remind me that I am loved, and God has already forgiven me, just keep going.

Next step is to own the addiction emotionally. I let myself feel how much I want validation. I have not decided to give this up yet. I need to feel how much I want it, how good it feels to receive it. I can see for myself that I learned to seek validation from my parents. Validation is a social status. It is how I get worth. I can feel the rage driving the desire for validation. I start to feel shame at how terrible this addiction is.

I now have a desire to stop it, as I don’t want to hurt people. Addiction always take from another or the environment. In order to take from another, I also have to give. This is co-dependant and bartering. In order to get validation, I am willing to keep myself small, and do whatever people want me to do. I don’t speak up. I give people feelings that they are superior, or approval or whatever they seek that I am willing to give. Both parties are stuck in the dynamic.

When I stop seeking validation, other people may get upset because my behaviour has change. Sometimes people stay stuck in addiction, because they are afraid of the angry reaction from others.

As I keep telling myself that I need to stop seeking validation, I start getting angry. This stage is necessary. Each addiction has a lot of anger driving it and I need to safely experience, and release it, while being firm about stopping the addiction. I tend to go into depression and even have suicidal thoughts. I have learned to be a safe person to myself, so that I can go through this experience.

As the anger leaves, fear start to get exposed. All my addictions are covering fear from my childhood. I see the horrific situation that created the addiction, and I start to have compassion for myself.

I am less likely to engage the addiction even though I can feel the emotion rising up. I let myself feel the emotional desire for validation until it passes.

As my childhood experience was pretty traumatic, I have to process terror in order to find the final set of emotions. Maybe I am seeking worth so that I can belong. Maybe I am seeking permission so that I can be allowed to exist. The process alway take me to the cause. The emotional pain can be acute. I can also have strong physical pain. Once these emotion are released, I will no longer seek validation. I am free of the compulsion. I may even start receiving validation from my environment but it will feel flat or even uncomfortable.

In order to get through this, I pray for God’s help. There are people that can do this work without God, but it is impossible for me. I can become so desperate for validation(withdrawal) that I pray to receive it from God. Receiving the pure form of the emotion (such as acceptance, approval, validation, worth) has been a very rewarding part of the journey. There is nothing wrong with seeking these emotions, I just need to receive them from God.

I become kinder to myself and others. I am lighter. My health improves. I have more faith in myself and in God. I am less demanding of people around me, and this allows them to be in their own emotions instead of catering to my demands.

I believe that the best gift we have to offer ourselves and others, is to become aware of our addictions and release them. It will take time, and you will have to be humble to the pain so that it can be released. It is an empowering journey. You will discover your true nature and your unique gifts. You may even fall in love with who you really are. No one can take this away from you no matter what you may experience in life.

I believe this is worth the temporary pain. It has definitely been so for me.

Love,

Dr Dharm